Connection: The Eyes Have It

As the school year winds down, I find my creative impulses as a writer growing.  One of the best parts about being a writer is observing the world around me and finding patterns and connections.  It often happens without warning -- I am not trying to make connections -- they are simply presenting themselves to me, and it is my job to notice.

Such was the case yesterday.  I read an article in the New York Times that really stuck with me.  It was about how something as innocuous as a cartoon rabbit looking at your from a box of cereal or an emoticon of a smiley face can bring a powerful feeling of connection.  The research referred to in the article said that even blind people's brains light up when someone looks at them. (Click here to read "Psst. Look Over Here")

One of my favorite parts of the article is this:

“A richer mode of communication is possible right after making eye contact,” Dr. Senju said. “It amplifies your ability to compute all the signals so you are able to read the other person’s brain.”

In other words, eye contact makes us more socially aware and empathetic. It allows us to make sense of our relationships and social orientation. So avoiding eye contact out of fear or insecurity, or breaking eye contact to read a text, check email or play Candy Crush degrades your social facility and emotional intelligence."

I know I have sometimes felt a strong degree of anger when someone looks away to their phone, instead of staying involved in our conversation.  Now I know where the anger comes from: it breaks a connection that has been made.

The article immediately made me think of a book I had read almost twenty years ago, one whose title and author totally escapes me. But what I remember is that it stated that around middle school age, parents and other people stop looking at young people. This is a change from when they are babies, toddlers, and younger children.  By preteen stage or later, the eye turns more critical to the young person.  It is something I try to remember with my own students (although, admittedly, it is very hard!) and I try to employ what that author recommended: Stop. Look. Love.

I also thought that this research on someone's eyes looking upon us might be the reason "selfies" are so popular. When we are needing a feeling of connection, taking a picture of ourselves looking at ourselves may be filling a real emotional need.

Must have needed someone to look at me.

And third, I thought of the growing dis-ease educators feel having to administer the somewhat cruel standardized tests.  It is we who have to look in the eyes of the children and tell they they have to do this -- not the politicians, not Arne Duncan, not the people making millions from these tests.  I bet if there had been a video camera in my room when I was administering the test, you would have seen that I couldn't look at the kids.  I knew I was betraying them.  My discomfort affected me physically, mentally, and emotionally for over two weeks; it disconnected me from my students in a seriously painful way.

Okay, so there is that.

Then later, on Facebook, my dear friend and sister educator Annmarie Ferry posted this video.  It was brought to her attention by a student.  I was extremely moved by this.  Again -- it has to do with how we see or don't see people.  It has to do with where we look.

Have the Homeless Become Invisible?

 I know. It is easier not to look.  Guilty.

So...what is the point of all of this?  What conclusion have I drawn?  Probably nothing terribly new. Just a reminder that it is more important than we know to actually use eye contact with each other.  It strengthens us in ways we are not even aware. Being able to honestly look into the eyes of our significant others, children, students, the elderly, the homeless -- it can be a challenge.  It may even make us feel uncomfortable.  But if there is a conclusion to be drawn, it is this -- we will never have a better world without it.  

Here is a hopeful observation.  Lately I have been spending more time walking out in nature -- the beaches, Lakes Park, and my neighborhood.  What I notice is that it is almost a rule to say "hi" to the people you pass, even if you are walking and they are on a bike, even if they are running with an iPod plugged in.  Whenever someone doesn't make eye contact and at least nod, it feels like they are being rude.  And there is always the awkward moment when the runner or biker passes you the second time (since I'm always walking.)  Do we say "hi" again?  It is funny, but I think this level of eye communication is growing, not receding.  I think that is a good thing.

Finally, Annmarie also posted this Sylvia Path quote:

So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if you only were interested in them.

 I don't know the context of this quote, if it was in a poem, novel, or just a conversation with her.  Knowing Plath suicided at a young age makes this very poignant to me. It is a gentle reminder that it doesn't take much to help another person feel acknowledged, visible, and maybe even understood. All we have to do is look.