Confessions: Three Mistakes I Made in 2013

In The New York Times today, columnist Ross Douthat wrote about the three mistakes he made as a columnist this year.  It caused me to think about mistakes I made this year.  I'm sure there are way more than three, but here are the three that I think had the greatest effect on me.

1. "Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?"

The last two years at this time of year, I attended the Begin Anew ceremony at the Florida Community of Mindfulness. As part of the ritual, we write down things we want to release from the previous year and then toss it into a burning bowl.  Afterward, we write down our intentions for the new year on an index card.

My main intention for 2013 was to live the question: and in many ways, I have done that.  I lived the question of where I should be and in what ways could I live my life better.  I believe I received those answers, and made changes accordingly.

But there are other things written on that index card that I sadly fell down on.  And the main one was written in purple across the top of the card: "Am I going to practice peace, or am I going to war?"  This was the saying I was going to live by, much like I have in the past with sayings like, "If you're going to worry, don't pray.  If you're going to pray, don't worry" and "Say Thank You."  I have found sayings effective in helping me with situations -- as long as I remember to apply them.

However, in this case I completely forgot about my saying -- for at least the last six months, perhaps even longer.  When I pulled out the card the other day and discovered the saying written there, I felt...ashamed.  Ashamed that I have been putting myself through various sorts of wars, not even realizing or remembering that I had at one time dedicated myself to practicing peace.  Disgusted with myself when realizing there are many weeks, days, hours, even minutes that could have been better if I had remembered this simple saying.  And dedicated to trying once again to make this a reality.  I have made a real study of nonviolence, and doing violence to myself simply does not sit well with me.  It is just so hard to recognize at times.  My next two mistakes fall right in line with this same principle.

2. Not keeping a daily meditation practice.

I start.  I stop.  I feel the benefits.  I forget.

Meditation offers everything I need.  I have the perfect cushion, I have groups I can attend, I have time clocks with beautiful bells, and I have memories of consistent practice in the past that I know personally changed me for the better.

Why do I walk away?  Why do I put it off, forget, ignore the urgings of my inner voice? 

I know meditation helps me mentally.  I know it helps me spiritually.  I even know it affects me physically.  All of this is important.

And it doesn't even take much.  Once a week can have an effect.  One minute a day.

I know better than to make big pronouncements on this.  I just need to do it.  Action speaks louder than words is always true, isn't it?

So, try again, 2014!

3. I didn't go to the beach often enough.

Okay. Twice.

Yeah, pretty bad for someone living in Florida.

When I went in April, I was so rejuvenated and refreshed I thought I would not forget to go again.
But, as usual, things got busy. Then summer came and the flushing of brown water from Lake Okeechobee into our beautiful Sound and Gulf, and I stayed away. Then red tide and dead fish.

Lighthouse Beach with Iris, Margie, and my breath.

That had never stopped me before.

Thank goodness Iris came to town.  We ventured out to Lighthouse Beach with my sister and I knew exactly what I had to do.  I put down a towel, lied down on my back, and BREATHED.  Deeply.  And deeper and deeper.

The beach, the sand, the surf brought me back to a place in myself that had been inaccessible.  I wrote about it in a blog because the effect was so healing -- words didn't exactly capture it, but I had to express.

I've been breathing better since.  It put me back in touch with the writer in me, who seemed to have been skirting around the edges of my life but not taking a seat.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Douthat ends his essay with "Here endeth the self-criticism" and wishes himself an "infallible 2014."

I, too, will end the self-criticism, but I'll leave infallibility to Pope Francis (whom I dearly love!) 

For 2014, I simply desire to take a few steps forward.  For me that means moving toward peaceful responses, the meditation cushion, and the healing Southwest Florida beaches.